donkeyballs | Reverie: IC Inbox

I can't decide if your life is the most incredible thing I've ever heard, or just an endless fever dream that I have unfortunate proof is at least partially real.

But I'm gonna go ahead and hope my brain ain't bein' eaten, even though I have no idea how in the hell I'd manage to stop it, anyway.

And you haven't even heard some of the strangest parts. But I'll save those until the moment you think you're finally adjusted to it all.

I'd say I ain't never gonna be adjusted to it all, only that I ain't actually sure that's true anymore.

Just so much weird shit you end up gettin' numb to it, right?

Yeah, a bit. It changes the way you think. Little things happen, and you’ve got this disconnect, because your head is up in the clouds. You start missing parts of your own life, because the stars are so much more interesting.

[ There's a longer pause, because he could have written that last sentence himself. ]

Yeah, well.

Trust me, I know that much.

I tried to keep myself grounded, and it didn't work. I don't know how anyone could get up into space and not wanna stay there. Don't even need time travel to know that.

Me either. From the day I first saw it, I was always just biding my time until the next trip. I thought I could balance the two, for awhile. Spend half my time in space, then come back to Earth and have my job and my family and my boyfriend. I wasn't careful with them, though. I lost all of that, and now there's nothing for me there.

It ain't an easy thing. Keepin' the two. In the end you gotta make a choice.

I tried choosin' home. Choosin' my family. But I was just lyin' to myself.

I regret hurtin' 'em, but I can't really regret leavin'. I just should have known myself better in the first place.

I chose home too, once. Said goodbye to my traveling mate and tried to stay in one place for awhile. It felt like my life was over, like my best years were behind me, no matter what I did after that. Maybe if I'd kept on that way I would have lived awhile longer, died of old age, surrounded by family. But I don't think that's ever how I was meant to go out. Thank the heavens, my friend came back for me. He wouldn't let me give up like that.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah. I know the feelin'.

Though I didn't have anyone to come back for me, or anything. Just - my sister, knowin' me better than I ever knew myself, I guess.

Still took five years after that to figure out right where I belonged, though.

You found it, that's all that matters. Better than a lot of people manage in a lot more years.

Yeah.

Think a lot of people just never do.

Doesn't make me a great Martian, though.

Part of the requirements is the whole quick expansion of the population thing.

Well that's certainly no fun at all. Mind you, I always wanted a family one day, but at my own pace. When I was done exploring.

[There's the rub, though - she can't imagine she ever would have been done.]

I love the hell out of my son.

But there's a difference between lovin' someone, and knowin' that's what you should be doin' with your life.

If that makes sense.

And if I know you, Clara - I don't think you'd ever be done explorin'.

There's just too much out there.

With all your crazy ass time travel and shit.

It makes sense to me. [Unfortunately.] A bit too much sense, unfortunately.

And I will be done, one day - that's part of the deal with my heart. But not until I've seen everything I can.

Well. That's the kind of done we all get, one day.

But who knows what happens after that.

Maybe part of you will just keep on explorin' anyway.

[Oh, this sweet sweet man.]

I don't know. I used to believe in Heaven, like it was some world up in the clouds where you become an angel and sing all day long. Then my mum died and I thought, that's stupid. How can she be an angel and be happy and sing songs when she knows we need her here? I was eighteen and angry. I couldn't believe that she was out there somewhere, at peace. It just felt like she was gone.

I understand how you feel, 'bout your Mom. I lost [ He pauses, writes, deletes, writes again, and finally finds a way to put it vaguely enough that he won't choke up just looking at the screen. ] someone I'd give the whole world for, to give her just the slightest breath of a chance. There was no reason in the universe, for her not to get it. But she didn't. So yeah. Heaven - heaven I'm not so sure about.

Yet I can't quite feel like people we've lost are completely gone, either.

The more I think about it, the more I think that Heaven was a pretty small concept in the first place, compared to what's out there.

And I know you've seen a lot stranger shit than me, but - I saw enough to know that whatever I knew about the universe just ain't all there is to it, you know?

Edited 2018-06-27 21:57 (UTC)

I'm so sorry, Alex.

I certainly know what you mean, though. Some things I've seen have certainly shown me that there's more to human beings than a body and a brain. There's something left, something more important.

It's how the world works, whether I hate it or not, right? I appreciate the sympathy, though.

But yeah. Exactly.

There's gotta be more to us than meat. There's somethin' that lasts.

So your mum's still out there, in some way. And when we're gone, there'll be something of us out there, too.

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