donkeyballs | Reverie: IC Inbox

[Her heart is racing, and for that briefest flicker, the rest of the station doesn't matter. Nothing matter except this, the way he's pulling her closer, and her fingers tangle into the fabric over his shoulder. It's dizzying, and she thinks maybe she could just stay here like this forever, their fingers tangled together and his lips on hers.

She breaks the kiss, and it's only supposed to be for an instant, because she's struggling to catch her breath. Then reality hits again, and she remembers that ring that was on his finger just a month ago. He's married, and whatever the status of that relationship, whether they ever get home or not, whether he's pining for Talissa or just after some imaginary ideal of her, he's still torn up about it. In fact, she's not entirely sure this kiss is about her at all—it might be about Talissa. It probably is about Talissa.

Fuck, she's so stupid.

Her hand is still gripping his jumpsuit, and she's torn between pulling him close again and pushing him away. She does neither. In fact, she doesn't fully break contact with him at all. Her forehead is still brushing against his, their hands still tangled together, and she finds that she can't bring herself to pull away. She can't just keep kissing him like none of it matters, either. She might be an idiot, but she's not that much of an idiot. So, she clears her throat, trying to push down a new wave of disappointment, already mingling with dread.]

Alex.

[It doesn't really matter. Her voice is still trembling and vulnerable in a way she didn't expect. God damn it. She pushes ahead anyway.]

Why are you kissing me?

[It's a ridiculous question, but her thoughts are racing so much that it's the only one she can manage.]

[ He takes the few seconds to breathe, a slow, soft smile pulling at his lips, as he misunderstands the pause. He feels like everything is going to be okay, somehow, in complete and utter contrast to how he felt a half hour ago, and he wonders vaguely if he'll have to kiss Kovacs as a thank you--

And then she says his name, and something in him cracks. His smile falters and dies. Because that wasn't a good sound. That was not a content 'Alex', that was a 'what are you doing, Alex'.

The next words out of her mouth confirm it, and the anxiety grips back into his chest almost immediately. ]

I--

[ He's desperately trying to think back. She'd kissed him, hadn't she? Or had he just done it and convinced himself that she'd initiated...? ]

- - I thought -

[God damn it. That tone in his voice makes her heart twist, and she tightens her grip on his hand reflexively. She tries to get her thoughts together and forces her way through it. It comes out a bit more blunt than she means it to, but she gets it out, even if her voice doesn't sound entirely steady.]

Is it just because I'm here? Or is it... Are you confusing your feelings for Talissa with me?

[ He does pull back, then, a sharp stab of guilt sliding between his ribs alongside the confusion. That clarity that he'd had for a few seconds had utterly disappeared. ]

That's not-- [ He started, cutting off a little miserably. He hadn't let go of her hand, but he'd pulled back enough to be able to read her face. ] Bobbie you couldn't be just there if you tried, I didn't even- I didn't even think about - [ The guilt deepened, realization dawning. ] This ain't about her--

[There's a part of her, an overwhelming part of her, that wants to close that gap and kiss him again, tell him it's okay. The look on his face is killing her, but he's her best friend. She doesn't want something like this to ruin that, and there's no point in trying to untangle her own now hopelessly confused feelings unless she knows his are genuine.]

Look, Alex, I just... I need to make sure you're not using me as a replacement, or... Or a distraction.

[ He deflates, visibly, shrinking in on himself a little bit. He could have sworn she kissed him, but he couldn't remember now. He must have closed the gap without even thinking about it. Must have kissed her even when he knew he shouldn't. He was such a god damned idjit-- ]

I ain't -- I ain't tryin' to use you, Gunny, for anythin'. I didn't even -- I know you don't need it, or- [ He was floundering, trying to find a way out where he could salvage this. ] I've been tryin to keep it to my damn self and I just - I couldn't stand it, seein' the two of you, but it ain't like you owe me a damn thing and --

[Before she can think better of it, she's reaching out to cup his cheek, desperate to get him to calm down even when she feels like her heart might break. God, she is so fucked, and she has no idea how to navigate it.]

Alex, you're not— [She takes a shaky breath, tries to get herself centered and fails utterly. Her voice softens, still unsteady.] I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you until I knew what was going through your head. I didn't even know that you... I didn't know that you wanted to until five minutes ago.

You're my best friend. [ He sounds miserable when he says it, though he doesn't shrink back from the touch.]

I know I ain't-- I'm fine, honest, I just normally can - can hold it back, better, but I - [ Her words hadn't fully filtered in, yet, the panic still making him work in circles. ]

I'm sorry, Bobbie, I swear you don't need to worry about it, you won't hear a goddamn peep from me aga-- [ He stopped, blinking, as the rest finally computed. ]

.. Wait, you-- why did you--?

[She wants to make this better, but she doesn't know how. She doesn't even know how to answer his question. It isn't like she's been pining after him all this time. Maybe she just... considered him off limits until suddenly, he wasn't. She's not sure what that means for either of them, but if nothing else, she owes it to him to be honest, even if it comes out quiet, as though she's afraid to say it.]

I thought you were going to kiss me, and when you didn't, I... I don't know. I was disappointed.

[ Oh.

Right.

Of course, that made sense.

It wasn't him. It was whatever was happening to them, getting to her, making her feelings all messed up. It wasn't about him at all.

It turned out that one could feel heart break and intense sympathy, at the same time. ]

It's alright. [ Softly. ] It's probably just - just whatever the hell the station is doing, right? We're all on edge. You were just pickin' up on my shit. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you in a position like that.

[Bobbie's mouth twists, displeased, and she pulls her hand away from his cheek.]

I don't think that's what happened.

[But she's so exhausted and turned around that she can't come up with a stronger argument than that.]

[ It felt awful, honestly, as her hand slipped away. Like someone carved a hole out of his chest. He tried not to look as miserable as he felt. ]

Did you - would you have, before? If I'd-- [ He cut off. Swallowed. Bad track. ]

'Cause this station is - really messin' with us. And the last thing I want is to lose you, Gunny. To anythin'. If this is the Station tryin' to - to do something to get us all at crossed wires with each other...

You're not going to lose me.

[She says it instantly, voice suddenly firm and sure. Whatever else happens, he won't, even if she feels like an idiot teenager trying to stumble through a first kiss.]

Look, Alex, I've seen how torn up you get over Talissa. Are you sure you know what you want?

[ She didn't answer the first question and Alex couldn't decide if he was crushed, or relieved. Part of him didn't want to know the answer, anyway. It as a bad line in questioning.

The question, though, slid another blade of guilt through his ribs. ]

I-- [ Did he? Did he know what the hell he wanted? ] ... Yeah. I can't claim my my head is totally clear, at the moment, but this ain't - this ain't out of nowhere. I just normally can... control myself better.

Edited 2018-07-07 19:56 (UTC)

[The answer is yes. Or at least, she would have wanted to kiss him. It's like a switch has been flipped now, but that line of questioning doesn't matter at all if he's still hung up on his wife. Ex-wife. Whatever Talissa is now.]

So you've been... what? Just hiding this?

[ His eyes slid away, shame growing in his expression. ]

What the hell was I supposed to say, Gunny?

I don't even know what to say now. You don't need any of this, and I know it. I just - gotta get past it, then you don't gotta worry about it.

I'm not blaming you, just... trying to figure this out.

[She lets out a breath, scrubbing her free hand over her face. She's fully aware that she's still got her hand in his, but she can't bring herself to pull it away. Maybe he's thinking of this as a huge mistake, though. It seems like it, with that last statement.]

[ He let out a breath, shoulders slumping, and he let the silence stretch a little too long, as he looked back at their hands. ]

I don't know, Gunny. [ He said finally. Quietly. Miserably. ] I know I should feel a hell of a lot guiltier than I am. But I never--

[ He cut off, closing his eyes, letting out a hard breath. Then he squeezed his hand. ]

Maybe we should... talk about this after either one of us had had even an hour's sleep over three days. Because I know there were a whole host of reasons I told myself not to, and I'm having a hard time thinkin' of any of them.

[It's the logical thing to do, she knows, but it still leaves her feeling all tangled up and miserable on top of the exhaustion. If he can't remember a good reason, maybe that means he doesn't have feelings for Talissa. Maybe it's all just guilt. Or maybe she's scrambling for a way to make this okay.

After a second or so of silently wrestling with herself, she pulls her hand away and leans forward to hug him out of a desperate need to make sure they're still alright.]

Okay. We'll talk about it later.

[ The hand pulls away and he almost immediately goes to grab it back - a desperate panic rising in him - but she hugs him instead and it's quelled. He returns it, instantly, maybe a little too hard. Even after everything, the proximity does something weird to him, and he forces himself to take a deep breath. ]

[Bobbie ignores the way her heart flutters and exhales slowly, relaxing against him. It's okay. They're fine.]

You're my best friend, too. And still the best pilot in any damn system.

[ It takes everything in him to bite down on his tongue and keep himself from saying something damning. Christ, but he really was a frayed wire, raw and open and far too prone to say something far too much. He manages to grind out a low few words. ]

Thanks, Gunny.

[ He knows he needs to let go of the hug, too. Tells himself that, five times over in his head.

Still hasn't done it. ]

[Pulling back is the logical thing to do, and she knows it, but she doesn't. She's exhausted and anxious and that fucking music is still making her head pound, and she has the disquieting feeling that something has changed irrevocably between them. What if she's fucked this up beyond repair?]

We're okay, yeah?

[It comes out soft and hesitant, and she's not sure why she asks. He's going to say yes even if they're not, but she wants to hear it anyway.]

[ He didn't know. He fucked up somewhere, probably multiple times, and now she's going to second guess every time he does anything. His motivations are all shot, and no matter what he does it's going to read like there's an ulterior motive.

All the ease that he'd felt before, with her? He'd killed it.

And he could have kept it, if he'd just managed not to be a god damn idiot when he saw Kovacs.

Fucking damn it. ]

Yeah. We're okay.

[ More because he wanted them to be, than because he believed it. ]

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