donkeyballs | Reverie: IC Inbox

[ He lets out a breath that isn't quite a sigh, and takes a long few seconds to consider. ]

I'll listen, if you need to tell me. [ He decided finally. ] But that ain't my decision, Frank. Your past is your past. And whatever happened in it, it helped form the man you are now. I don't need to know.

[ A part of him wanted to, the same way he wished he knew what had happened to Amos, to make him the way he was. But a large part of the rest of him was pretty aware that story would break his heart, no matter what it was.

He had a feeling this story would, too. ]

[ the man he is now? is that a good thing? he blinks through a couple turns before deciding it's too long a pause, alex deserves the truth, even if he probably doesn't need every sordid, gory detail. ]

I was tasked with leading a secret black ops hit team in the Middle East. Thing is, thought we were taking out terrorists and thugs, so I shot 'em like dogs out there. Followin' orders, you see.

[ his lip curls in disgust. it might be similar to what alex felt seeing the hybrid for the first time, understanding what mars had loosed in the solar system. ]

Well, they weren't. They were husbands and fathers, like you and me. [ he puts his hands flat on the table to keep from rocking back and forth in his chair. it's too much for him, even now, but he goes on. ] My commanding officer and the piece of shit above him who put the whole operation together - well. He was the director of Covert Ops for the whole fucking country, wouldn't even tell us his name. That should've been our first clue, but when I turned out to be too good at my job and got every one of us back safe he was livid. Spittin' venom about how I didn't get his precious target. My CO almost lost his arm, we were outgunned and outmatched, so I did what any Marine would do. I broke his goddamn face.

And then I came home, Alex. We were gonna be a family again, Maria and me, my-my beautiful little girl, Lisa. Frank Jr. [ he didn't tell alex about his kids before now and it feels like a weight off, honestly. he bites his lip and looks down at the table between them. ] Never got the chance to find out if that was even in me before they took it all away. Tried to wipe us all off the map so I wouldn't find out their secrets but they were sloppy. I got back up. Their worst nightmare: personified.

[ he looks back up, eyes surprisingly soft for the hard statement he'd just dealt. frank takes a deep breath, trying not to think about if his family had lived he'd probably end up like alex. chasing war and getting farther and farther away from them, even if he couldn't go all the way to space like he did. that didn't matter, he could be a world away a room over, as maria had found out early on in their marriage. ]

Turns out? They were smuggling heroin back to the US, clearing billions in the bank on our blood, our lives. Men who gave up everything for God, country and the goddamn American flag. [ all he can do is shake his head, looking away again. ] So yeah, I hunted each one of those sick bastards down and I put a bullet in their brains, like they did to me. Only way I could get some peace. My friend - my friend David that I told you about, he. And this fed, Madani. They saved my life. When I didn't want to come back from it, they brought me back. And without them - without Karen too - I never would've unraveled the whole thing.

[ he knows it sounds like a crazy conspiracy spouted by a vet who snapped overseas, but if alex believes him... well. he doesn't have to. all he asks is to be given that chance. ]

[ It might have sounded like a crazy conspiracy, to someone else. To someone who hadn't lived through the protomolecule.

To someone who hadn't heard Bobbie's story, of Mars setting her up for a weapons test. Of letting her whole squad get killed for a demo.

So there's no disbelief in his face, just deep, painful recognition. ]

Frank.... [ His voice trails off. What the hell do you say, after something like that? There's nothing he could possibly offer that wouldn't sound cheap. He swallowed, and then reached out, carefully putting his hand on the man's arm - no squeeze, just letting it rest there, solid. ]

Frank, I'm so sorry.

[ the understanding in alex's voice squirms its way under his skin and he realizes... he's not about to lose his friend. something like relief comes over him then, remembering what it was like seeing matt bleeding out in the hall short hours ago. thinking saving him would end his own life onboard, but that didn't matter. not when he probably owes daredevil so much more than matt even realizes. ]

If this whole story becomes common knowledge like it is back home... you don't have to defend me. In fact, don't even get involved. It's- well, everyone's got their own goddamn opinion about what I did there. About what kind of man I am. Everything from my face on t-shirts to people who'd burn down my house if I didn't already myself.

Honestly, Frank, I...

[ He let out a long, slow breath, trying to collect his thoughts. ]

Back home should be left back home. It don't help anyone to pull up our pasts, out here. We all got 'em. I ain't - I ain't comparin', but - -

I just think we should be focusin' on what we're doin'.

Not on whatever blood is on each other's hands.

[ He didn't even know how much blood was on Amos' hands. Didn't want to know. ]

It ain't like you did it for the thrill, right? You ain't about to hurt anyone here. [ He sounded confident, but he also wouldn't mind confirmation on that point. ]

That's why I didn't tell you. It's not because I don't trust you.

[ but he nods, agreeing they need to focus. he hadn't judged alex for leaving his family so he's not wholly wrong to compare either. ]

I've always had... a darkness inside me. Violence. I can't lie to you and say it was only about justice, I enjoyed it, seeing each and every one of those shitbags die.

But even before that, before my family? I wanted to hurt people. I was an angry kid with nowhere to put it, so I joined up. I trusted them to aim me in the right direction. And that was only my first mistake.

[ frank takes a deep breath and pushes it back out. ]

I'd never hurt you, or anyone here. I just want to get everybody home.

[ with that said... "I point, you shoot." ] I'd trust you to aim me. If it came to that. [ he's hoping it won't, but he needed to put it out there. he's a living weapon, not just a guy with a dad complex. alex should remember that if he ever needs real help. ]

[ It wasn't his family, he was thinking of. It as Eros. It was Thoth.

Maybe he'd tell those stories one day, but not today. Today was for listening.

And feeling very, very uncomfortable. He didn't like hearing it. Of course he didn't. But at the last... ]

Brother, I don't trust myself to make that call, if it came to it. I'm a pilot, not a Captain. Every time I've fired our guns, it was on orders. I don't think I could make that kinda call.

But I'll - I'll help. We'll figure it out. Get everyone home, and - and make sure no one gets hurt.

[ frank slides his fist across the table. bro bump?? ]

Okay, deal. We take everything on together, from now on. [ "I don't do partners." ]

[ He reached out, but instead of giving Frank a fist bump, he put his hand over the other man's fist and gave it a squeeze. ]

Deal.

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do they even have fistbumps in the expanse