donkeyballs | Reverie: IC Inbox

[They lapse into silence, and Bobbie tries to get her thoughts under control. It was just instinct. A misreading of the situation, because her emotions are all over the place and she's absolutely exhausted. Hell, she's surprised she's not hallucinating. Still, she's suddenly hyperaware of their proximity, of her hand in his and their shoulders pressed together.

Bobbie closes her eyes, letting her head tip back against the wall behind them, at least until his thumb slides over the back of her hand. It doesn't feel like an idle movement, and she opens her eyes again, trying to read his expression. Maybe she's not misreading this, but that doesn't make her feel any less crazy.]

[ His gaze is still fixed on that star, even if he can feel her eyes on him. He keeps stroking the back of her hand, trying to keep his expression neutral. He wasn't very good at it. He kept holding his breath too long, the nervous energy readable. But the slow caress of his thumb kept its steady pace.

After a moment, his head turned, just a fraction, just enough so that his eyes cloud slide to hers and try to read them.

Just enough to torture himself with. ]

[God damn it, Alex. Bobbie is very still, fingers still laced with his, suddenly very aware of how close he is. This is a terrible idea. This is a terrible idea, but her heart is beating a staccato against her ribs, and she can't find it in her to pull back. What the hell are they doing?]

[ He couldn't help it. Like being pulled into a gravity well he leaned in, drawn to her in a way he couldn't describe or qualify. He drew short, though, the intent painfully clear and yet not followed through. He hovered, maybe an inch from her nose - her breath on his lips. His heart was hammering so hard he could barely even make out the music, despite the fact that it was blaring at them.

He hovered, like a coward, and like a coward he turned his head back out to the find that point of light he'd already been fixated on. ]

[He nearly closes the distance, and even though the logical part of her is still arguing that they shouldn't, that there are a million reasons why she should pull back, she doesn't. Before she can think better of it, her eyes close, her grip on his hand tightening, and then... nothing. When she opens her eyes again, he's looking away. She tells herself it's a relief, but it's not. She's surprised by how... disappointed she is. Bobbie lets out a shaky breath, trying to get herself together, her chest tight. They're both losing their damn minds, but she forces herself to speak up anyway. Her voice sounds surprisingly hesitant.]

...Alex.

[ It feels like his heart is in his throat, his heartbeat far too fast and irregular. He's trying to get himself to calm down, but his heart keeps acting like he's being stalked by a tiger, even though he's never even seen a damn tiger. Just terrified and hopped up on adrenaline at the same time.

She speaks, and his chest tightens like someone pulled a cord and stolen his breath away. He couldn't quite decide what that tone was - whether it was reproach or disappointment or confusion. Whatever it was, it was obvious what it was in reaction to. That she could tell what he was doing - or not doing.

He swallowed, trying to blink back the incredibly tight twist in his chest, but it wouldn't go away. He let out a slow, shakey breath as he tried to calm himself, but it didn't work. He was all keyed up, his spring wound good and tight and not releasing. ]

Sorry, Gunny. [ It was almost a whisper, a low rumble barely audible over the music. His hand still in hers, he pulled it towards him, closing his eyes as he pressed a warm kiss to her knuckles, his beard scratching her skin. It didn't release any of that built tension in him, it only made him yearn for more, and when he took her hand away again he didn't settle it back on the floor between them. Instead he gently rested their intwined hands on his knees, and squeezed them tightly. ]

[Her breathing catches, her heart skipping a beat, and she squeezes back just as tightly, trying to ground herself and failing. Before she can think better of it, she leans forward, resting her forehead against his, telling herself that maybe if she gets most of the way there, she'll realize this is just a product of stress and heightened feelings and that will be that. It doesn't work—she's shocked by how desperately she wants to kiss him, by how much worse the closeness makes it. Her emotions are all tangled up, and she doesn't know how to unravel them.

Bobbie realizes all at once that she hasn't been letting herself consider this, not even the distant possibility of it. Now that she is, it feels impossible to pull back, and that voice in the back of her head telling her to cut it the hell out is getting easier and easier to ignore. Closing that last inch is as easy as breathing, and before she can stop herself, she kisses him, soft and uncertain.]

[ She leans in, their foreheads touching, and it's an exquisite form of torture, holding himself back. Because it doesn't matter how much he wants it - how much his body is screaming at him that he needs it - he couldn't do that to Gunny. No matter how much he wanted it, it didn't give him any right to--

Then her lips touch his with a softness he would have thought impossible, from her. Despite everything, it hits him like a comet out of nowhere, and he freezes, not actually able to process the step she took while he was arguing with himself. It took a second for his heart to restart, and then that coiled taut energy in his spine suddenly released, a wave of utter relief washing over him. It was just long enough that maybe she started pulling back, before he pressed back into the kiss, eyes sliding shut as he let himself have this, even if just for a moment. Even if just long enough for her to come to her senses. He raised his free hand, fingers resting on her chin with a feather light touch as his lips parted against hers. ]

[He kisses her back and the tension drains from her as her mind goes blissfully blank, utterly unconcerned with anything but his lips on hers and his fingers against her skin. It feels... right. It feels perfect, and the need to be closer to him is so sudden and overwhelming that it blindsides her. Alex is her best friend, the only person on this station she allows herself to be fully open and vulnerable with, and maybe this is just an extension of that. Maybe the only reason she's surprised by it now is because she hasn't let herself think of it as a possibility, and if she ignores the myriad reasons why it isn't the best idea for a little bit longer, that's okay, isn't it? She just focuses on the way his lips part against hers instead, almost an invitation, and she deepens the kiss, slow and gentle.]

[ He can't help the low sound in the back of his throat, the anxiety that had infused him shifting into something warmer, and for the first time in days he barely even registers the music. Barely notices how tired he is. He hadn't actually allowed himself to consider this a real possibility - barely even allowed it to himself as a fantasy - and yet she's kissing him and it feels so perfect that it aches.

And for a moment, for the briefest moment, he thinks maybe he had it wrong. That this whole time he's been killing himself wanting someone that didn't want him, it had been something far closer to mutual all along. That maybe he'd just been an idiot, and refused to acknowledge what was in front of him.

One hand is still entwined tightly with hers, and he squeezes it as she deepens the kiss, as he responds in kind, melting into it as his hand gently cups her face, gently pulling her closer.

[Her heart is racing, and for that briefest flicker, the rest of the station doesn't matter. Nothing matter except this, the way he's pulling her closer, and her fingers tangle into the fabric over his shoulder. It's dizzying, and she thinks maybe she could just stay here like this forever, their fingers tangled together and his lips on hers.

She breaks the kiss, and it's only supposed to be for an instant, because she's struggling to catch her breath. Then reality hits again, and she remembers that ring that was on his finger just a month ago. He's married, and whatever the status of that relationship, whether they ever get home or not, whether he's pining for Talissa or just after some imaginary ideal of her, he's still torn up about it. In fact, she's not entirely sure this kiss is about her at all—it might be about Talissa. It probably is about Talissa.

Fuck, she's so stupid.

Her hand is still gripping his jumpsuit, and she's torn between pulling him close again and pushing him away. She does neither. In fact, she doesn't fully break contact with him at all. Her forehead is still brushing against his, their hands still tangled together, and she finds that she can't bring herself to pull away. She can't just keep kissing him like none of it matters, either. She might be an idiot, but she's not that much of an idiot. So, she clears her throat, trying to push down a new wave of disappointment, already mingling with dread.]

Alex.

[It doesn't really matter. Her voice is still trembling and vulnerable in a way she didn't expect. God damn it. She pushes ahead anyway.]

Why are you kissing me?

[It's a ridiculous question, but her thoughts are racing so much that it's the only one she can manage.]

[ He takes the few seconds to breathe, a slow, soft smile pulling at his lips, as he misunderstands the pause. He feels like everything is going to be okay, somehow, in complete and utter contrast to how he felt a half hour ago, and he wonders vaguely if he'll have to kiss Kovacs as a thank you--

And then she says his name, and something in him cracks. His smile falters and dies. Because that wasn't a good sound. That was not a content 'Alex', that was a 'what are you doing, Alex'.

The next words out of her mouth confirm it, and the anxiety grips back into his chest almost immediately. ]

I--

[ He's desperately trying to think back. She'd kissed him, hadn't she? Or had he just done it and convinced himself that she'd initiated...? ]

- - I thought -

[God damn it. That tone in his voice makes her heart twist, and she tightens her grip on his hand reflexively. She tries to get her thoughts together and forces her way through it. It comes out a bit more blunt than she means it to, but she gets it out, even if her voice doesn't sound entirely steady.]

Is it just because I'm here? Or is it... Are you confusing your feelings for Talissa with me?

[ He does pull back, then, a sharp stab of guilt sliding between his ribs alongside the confusion. That clarity that he'd had for a few seconds had utterly disappeared. ]

That's not-- [ He started, cutting off a little miserably. He hadn't let go of her hand, but he'd pulled back enough to be able to read her face. ] Bobbie you couldn't be just there if you tried, I didn't even- I didn't even think about - [ The guilt deepened, realization dawning. ] This ain't about her--

[There's a part of her, an overwhelming part of her, that wants to close that gap and kiss him again, tell him it's okay. The look on his face is killing her, but he's her best friend. She doesn't want something like this to ruin that, and there's no point in trying to untangle her own now hopelessly confused feelings unless she knows his are genuine.]

Look, Alex, I just... I need to make sure you're not using me as a replacement, or... Or a distraction.

[ He deflates, visibly, shrinking in on himself a little bit. He could have sworn she kissed him, but he couldn't remember now. He must have closed the gap without even thinking about it. Must have kissed her even when he knew he shouldn't. He was such a god damned idjit-- ]

I ain't -- I ain't tryin' to use you, Gunny, for anythin'. I didn't even -- I know you don't need it, or- [ He was floundering, trying to find a way out where he could salvage this. ] I've been tryin to keep it to my damn self and I just - I couldn't stand it, seein' the two of you, but it ain't like you owe me a damn thing and --

[Before she can think better of it, she's reaching out to cup his cheek, desperate to get him to calm down even when she feels like her heart might break. God, she is so fucked, and she has no idea how to navigate it.]

Alex, you're not— [She takes a shaky breath, tries to get herself centered and fails utterly. Her voice softens, still unsteady.] I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you until I knew what was going through your head. I didn't even know that you... I didn't know that you wanted to until five minutes ago.

You're my best friend. [ He sounds miserable when he says it, though he doesn't shrink back from the touch.]

I know I ain't-- I'm fine, honest, I just normally can - can hold it back, better, but I - [ Her words hadn't fully filtered in, yet, the panic still making him work in circles. ]

I'm sorry, Bobbie, I swear you don't need to worry about it, you won't hear a goddamn peep from me aga-- [ He stopped, blinking, as the rest finally computed. ]

.. Wait, you-- why did you--?

[She wants to make this better, but she doesn't know how. She doesn't even know how to answer his question. It isn't like she's been pining after him all this time. Maybe she just... considered him off limits until suddenly, he wasn't. She's not sure what that means for either of them, but if nothing else, she owes it to him to be honest, even if it comes out quiet, as though she's afraid to say it.]

I thought you were going to kiss me, and when you didn't, I... I don't know. I was disappointed.

[ Oh.

Right.

Of course, that made sense.

It wasn't him. It was whatever was happening to them, getting to her, making her feelings all messed up. It wasn't about him at all.

It turned out that one could feel heart break and intense sympathy, at the same time. ]

It's alright. [ Softly. ] It's probably just - just whatever the hell the station is doing, right? We're all on edge. You were just pickin' up on my shit. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you in a position like that.

[Bobbie's mouth twists, displeased, and she pulls her hand away from his cheek.]

I don't think that's what happened.

[But she's so exhausted and turned around that she can't come up with a stronger argument than that.]

[ It felt awful, honestly, as her hand slipped away. Like someone carved a hole out of his chest. He tried not to look as miserable as he felt. ]

Did you - would you have, before? If I'd-- [ He cut off. Swallowed. Bad track. ]

'Cause this station is - really messin' with us. And the last thing I want is to lose you, Gunny. To anythin'. If this is the Station tryin' to - to do something to get us all at crossed wires with each other...

You're not going to lose me.

[She says it instantly, voice suddenly firm and sure. Whatever else happens, he won't, even if she feels like an idiot teenager trying to stumble through a first kiss.]

Look, Alex, I've seen how torn up you get over Talissa. Are you sure you know what you want?

[ She didn't answer the first question and Alex couldn't decide if he was crushed, or relieved. Part of him didn't want to know the answer, anyway. It as a bad line in questioning.

The question, though, slid another blade of guilt through his ribs. ]

I-- [ Did he? Did he know what the hell he wanted? ] ... Yeah. I can't claim my my head is totally clear, at the moment, but this ain't - this ain't out of nowhere. I just normally can... control myself better.

Edited 2018-07-07 19:56 (UTC)

[The answer is yes. Or at least, she would have wanted to kiss him. It's like a switch has been flipped now, but that line of questioning doesn't matter at all if he's still hung up on his wife. Ex-wife. Whatever Talissa is now.]

So you've been... what? Just hiding this?

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